God and his many blessings
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: "Hello" by Floetry
First let me say that the IRS and H&R Block are a joke. They take your money promise you one thing and then just let you drop. This is a good way to start of this posting. For the past two weeks, well actually 3 we have been waiting for a refund check from the IRS. They kept telling us that the check will be here within 8-15 days and lo and behold today is day 15. So we call down to the little automated service only to be told that the IRS has stopped the check. Call H&R block and they give you the run around, called the IRS they put someone who is unqualified (this is what she told us) to give you definate answers only to be told that they mailed out some form we need to fill out and once they receive the form it may still be 90 days before we will know if we have the check or if not etc.... They were supposed to of sent the letter out Monday and it is now Friday. Where have you known anything in these United States to take a whole week to get to you if its not a package. But this is where the bullshit started to get heavy. My girlfriend called her family, well actually her aunt was on the phone when the calls were being made to the IRS and knows what the situation is but that didn't stop her from saying some stupid shit. Her response was that, "God is doing this because of your lifestyle." This would of been something that would of stopped the most religious person or not so religious if they really thought that God hates gays/lesbians so much that all they are going to do is suffer. That would be all well in good if I didn't know other gays/lesbians with good as jobs. For instance let's bring M&M into this situation. In less than 3 months Lil M has got a job in her career field of drug conselor making good money. Their car was a total lost only for them to be able to buy a new one and move into a better apt complex. I have another group of friends who live in their own house, the stud in this relationship left the Army where she was about to be promoted to Major and left her job that she was working at for 5 years. Now she has received her docturate degree and is teaching somewhere I think at Southern University. The list can go on and on and on, but for us the Lord is just spitting on us particuarlly because of our sexuality. How can people actually open their mouthes and say shit like this. The IRS is keeping our money because God is mad, but God must be mad at her because she isn't getting a refund at all, no paperwork that needs to be signed she was just refused and she is married with a husband and just bought a 2005 Nissan, but she is always begging for money for gas and something to eat.

God isn't what is wrong in my life because the Lord has answered my prayers time and time again. Our problem is the family members. I don't know what it is or why it is, but my girlfriend and I come from one of those families where the boys are doted on and the girls are just left to defend themselves. My girlfriend has two brothers who have not finished high school, one never finished middle school. Sure he has a job at Taco Bell, but when he needs someone to pick him up and take him to work someone is there. When he asks to borrow money they just give, my girlfriend gets a whole sermon about being a dyke. The older brother lives in his mothers house still but doesn't pay any bills. Water and Lights get cut off he just goes and buys rims for his truck. My girlfriend can't even get a loaf of bread. My brother has been in jail for 9 years. My mother makes sure he has money every time she goes and sees him, but let me ask for $20 to fill up my car until I get paid and its a song and dance. They use the Lord as a cover up for their shittyness and wants for you to believe that shit. I'm sure God gets aggravated when his name is used as an excuse for someone to be shitty to anyone. The Lord give you free will to think and act. He isn't some puppeteer guiding you through life and we need to just realize that. Stop using him as a crutch for your own evilness and selfishness. He is there for Guidance and Love. Not an easy excuse for you to use when you don't like what someone is doing and you are too much of an asshole to help. I know why my girlfriend aunt called today. She was hoping that she would of had her money so she could borrow some but whenever my girlfriend asks her to do something....like give her the papers to the truck she gave my girlfriend a year ago but don't want to give her the papers for one reason or the other. I really don't know what family is for, but the two my girlfriend and I got stuck with someone can have them.

Friends...how many of us have them
Mood:  down
Now Playing: "O" by Omarion
Topic: Friendship and Lesbians
I really don't have many friends, well not ones that live close by. Most live out of state or in another city in Louisiana. Most are people I grew up with when I lived overseas and we are all just coming together. These people have always been true even those that know that now I'm a lesbian, even with that revelation we are still tight as ever. Also these friends are straight.

I don't have any lesbian friends but a few associates. Why? Because there seems to be so much hating and pettiness in the lesbian/gay community here. If they haven't already slept with you they are trying to. Take for instance this one lesbian couple I will call M&M. I've known M&M for almost 2 years now. In the beginning everything was cool then all of a sudden things started getting twisted. It all began after M&M moved back to Louisiana from Houston, something I still don't understand to this day. Lil M who is the stud/butch in this relationship started to compare herself to my girlfriend who is stud. Started not wanting to hang out with her and other studs because she felt she wasn't "as studly" as they were. This didn't sit well with me because I'm like be the best person you can be. Then after one night of drinking the real truth came out. Lil M is in love with my girlfriend and that in reality she feels she is a femme but she knows that Big M wants a stud. I mean she calls her "daddy" and what not. So the relationship has been strained because of insecurities and stupidity. And a bunch of other stuff.

Boring day.....
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Nothing.....
Today nothing special really happened. It's like that when you live close to nothing and you have no vehicle. Time is slowly going by. The kids came home early from school today so they are enjoying the extra time for them. When they come home from school its homework and then another hour of study be it reading a book or just doing something extra in their textbooks. Usually after eating dinner and taking baths that doesn't leave them much time for "their" time.

Sometimes when I sit and look at the kids I wonder exactly how much more their lives would benefit if I were to live in a gay/lesbian community. There really isn't much of a community here in Baton Rouge, even though their are areas where alot of us tend to live but its not much of a community. I want for my kids to have friends that are like them sometimes. Now don't get me wrong they have a social life and friends. I really don't know if their friends parents know that I'm a lesbian or not but I know my kids aren't shy about the issue. It's just that my son has already had his friendship strained with the only kid that lives close by. Well I can't just blame it on my sexuality the woman is very religious and tends to keep her son close to her. She hasn't all and out just stopped her son from coming over but I do know that it isn't as much as it use to be.

My kids have their cousins, one of which I'm raising and other children of my girlfriends family members to play with but there are stipulations. For instance I had a slumber party for both of my kids last year and I made it clear that it was going to be a slumber party and up until the day of the party everyone was coming but then it became they can come to the party but not spend the night. If it wasn't for my nephew's mother and his brother and sister there wouldn't of been much of a party. You would think that after 6 years of this I would be use to it, and I would of been ok if in the beginning they would of just said that, but to wait until the day and a few hours before the party and just pull out. I mean we don't live close to any family members so it would of been a stretch. Yeah I had to pick those children up and bring them to the party and then turn around and bring them back a few hours later. No one wanted to bring their kids, but we made the best of it out of the kids that did come. I can say I'm fortunate because my children have wonderful relationships with their cousins. Both women don't have a problem with my sexuality. One is actually Bi, but you know I can get my niece and nephew and the other kids anytime I want to with no problems. So for that I can't complain.

Living here people pretty much keep to themselves and I appreciate it. It kind of makes all of the things like not really having a community not that important. No problems at the schools, no problems with my neighbors. Life can be better but in alot of ways its pretty good.

Someone has put roots on me!!!
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Nothing but the sound of children ripping up paper
Im so stressed out you could probably see all of my veins popping out of my skull. This piece of crap car is making a monkey out of me and is helping me spend money before I even have it in my hand, but that is not what is bothering me today. Well of course I should be upset about my car and I am, but what is pissing me off even more this evening is family. My car has been running hot for a few days now but that didn't stop people from calling me desperate because I was their last hope of getting such and such done so I put water in my car and I went. You know cause I can remember a time when I didn't have a car and had to catch the bus and had to go without because either the bus didn't run in those places or stopped running at a certain time. Now my car is broken. I have no idea what is wrong with it. Well I do. I think its because of a heater core or it is my heads have cracked. So here I am now and I need to cook dinner but I need this and that. I live in the country so there is no store close by and of course I call the same people I helped the other day and no one can help or just tell me that they are coming and they never do.

You try to live your life better than the way that you are treated or even go by the whole "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," but do things actually fall in your favor? For me all it shows me is that you only have yourself to depend on and when that isn't enough you just have to keep your head up? Hell I feel like a flake even typing those words, but all it does is make it harder for anyone to ask me for shit.